Friday, March 7, 2008

i m not past it till now

i am tyrying to write down something since last 4 hours but not getting exact words. i think i m maha-upset with something and have no clue about it till now. today i was not able to attend my coaching class as i am sick. apart from this physical sickness, my mental state also dosen't allow me to do a lot of things. like i want to laugh, i want to forget everything that upsets me and everyone who has ever hurt me. but as always i m not able to do what i wish to. i m having this stupid headache since 3 days now and can do nothing as i know the reason behind it is my habit of thinking about the past again and again. i know that nothing can be done about a lot of things but i have this idiotic habit of thinking and thinking and thinking. i had this intution that though my papers were very good, something is going to get wrong. i had warned all my friends and everyone was suggesting me to be positive. now the result is out. though i have topped the class, my percentages are not upto my expectations. i m feeling really sad. it was not my mistake. it was mere luck. but why does this always happen to me. after all that i had to go through last year i was hoping to live life with new perspective in the new year. but everyday my past comes in front of me in one way or other. i try a lot to pretend that it doesn't bother me anymore and i have suceede a bit in pretending as my friends now believe me when i say that i m absolutely fine and fit. but i cant tell a lie to my own soul which always dreads at the thought of an encounter with him. i had loved him so dearly. but he was never loyal to me. not for a single second. atleast this is what i think now. but this had to happen to me. aafter thinking for almost i year and a half i had admitted my feelings about him to myself and then to him. i had thought about every problem which we would have faced, every step that we should have took. every positive and negative result of every single stupid question. i was so afraid to admit that i loved him that while while saying yes to his proposal which he had put in front of me 27th tlme, i had tears in my eyes. i had asked just one thing from him, to be honest. and look at my fate. that person never ever spoke a single truth to me. he was bold enough to break my trust and then accept that he has cheated me. i was shattered. but i tried to gather all the courage that was present inside me and face this blow with determination and hopes. everyone, including him now believes that i have eft everything behind and have moved forward in my life. a part of my soul has exactly done this only. but somewhere deep inside my heart there still is this question that-
" jo hua agar wo nahi hota to jo hota wo kaisa hota."

4 comments:

  1. Think + is a piece of shit which is easier said than done.

    Time is a great healer...

    and only that will come to your rescue as it passes by.

    getting out of a such relationship is never been easy.. but such experiences are part of life & will make u more tough.

    wo ghazal suni hain na

    dil ko apne saza na de yoon hi
    is zamaane ki berukhi ke liye

    waqt ke sath sath chalta rahe
    ye munasib hai aadmi ke liye

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  2. thank you manish ji for understanding that it is not easy. i have also experienced the healing power of time. and i am sure that my tomorrow will surely be much better than today.

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  3. Heartiest congratulations.. You have good writing power.. keep it up..
    kavi kulwant Singh
    http://kavikulwant.blogspot.com

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  4. thank you so much kavi ji. hope to see more of your comments on my blog.

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