MONA LISA SMILE.....

let me first make one point clear that i am not a very big hollywood movies freak. infact 2-3 months ago i could have counted on fingers, number of hollywood ficks i had seen. but i day while surfing channels i saw julia roberts standing in a class and teaching. now being a teacher has been my childhood dream. i decided to watch the movie for some time. and once i came across the plot i was glued to the tv.

the movie which i was watching was mona lisa smile. it is a 2003 american film. this is a story of katherine ann watson(played by julia roberts). she is a UCLA graduate and comes to wellesly college to teach art history. in this college she finds out that the girls are trained merely to be housewives and mothers. they as individuals had no goals, desires and aims. miss watson, as she is called in the film tries to encourage them to pursue a career. she tries to instill a spirit of change in her students. in doing so she faces a number of obstacles. some caused by a hard headed student betty who is also the daughter of the president of alumini association. some because of her past failed relationships and her modern approach as against the conservative environment of the college. she encourages one of her students joan to pursue a career in law which she was interested in. but joan couldn't pick up the courage to do so and gets married.

but as the session progresses katherine succeeds in changing the perception of her student towards her and also their approach towards life.

well i am not writting this post to discuss the plot of movie. what i want to express is the effcet that this movie has had on me. this movie has a lot many scenes which for me had a special message. like in a scene katherine introduces her students to he work of jason pollock. when the student mutters among themselves as whether they are required to write a paper on it and giggles, katherine replies-

" no. you are not required to write a paper on it. you are not even required to like it. but you are required to consider it."

this simple statements has a huge effect on students who watches the painting with facination and finally a smile emerges on each face. the smile very similar to the one when one gets overwhelmed by watching a sunrise. in this case this was a sunrise for perspectives.

one more statement made by katherine which stirred my soul was when she was asked about her failed relationships and she says-

"not every relationship is meant for marriage."

she was a woman who lived on her own terms, in betty's words as she described her now favourite teacher in her last editorial.

there are mixed reviews of the movie i got from internet. but for me it surely will be one of the best movies i have ever seen. katherine watson for me stands for pride, knowledge, courage and integrity. a person who gives up the job to keep her principles intact. a person whose sole motive is to show her students the right way, the way to live with dignity and cognizance. a moral code which has been mine even before the day i came to know what morals are and will be the same forever. amen.

faith.......

everytime i hear the words, " have faith", i smile. you know why? because thats all i have got. i have lost dreams. i have lost courage. i have lost happiness. all that is left with me is faith. faith in god that he will listen to me some day. sure he would listen. but the thing which is funniest is that i dont know what to say to him. what to ask him. i may be sounding confused! or may be out of my mind. but that is exactly how i am feeling right now. daily whenever i sit in front of the idol of god, i simply keep looking at him. i see him smiling. i dont know the reason behind his smile. i know that god loves me and will pull me out of this. but when? what does he think is the limit of my patience and my pain bearing capacity?

everytime life seems to be quite, it turns out to be the peace before the storms. i had thought that maybe after all that i have gone through was because i had to arrive at this. something which gave me peace and smiles. but that also is ruined. its like when you are finishing a race you suddenly realize that there is one more lap to go. one more struggle to survive. i know i will survive. but the part of my own soul which is dying bit by bit with each pasing day is never going to come back. i am never going to be what i used to be. its very hard to observe closely and see a small scrap of your own self turning into ashes everyday. these may seem to be mere words but this is exactly how i am feeling now a days. i dont want to let this happen but i cant help it.

i will try to keep fighting. i promise. i will win. and will try to mend my broken hopes and dreams.

समझौता.....

इसे समझौता न कहूँ तो और क्या कहूँ?
में नही समझ पा रही हूँ की क्या सही है और क्या ग़लत? बस सब कुछ वक्त पर छोड़ दिया है। ये अलग बात है की अब हर दिन तकलीफ के साथ शुरू होता है। तकलीफ इस बात की कि काश हम समझ पाते। समझ पाते कि क्या सही है और क्या ग़लत। कुछ तो फ़ैसला कर पाते। यूँ वक्त के हाथों मजबूर हो जाउंगी ऐसा नही सोचा था। जितनी बार ख़ुद को समझती हूँ वही सवाल नए रूप में मेरे सामने आ कर खड़ा हो जाता है। हमें अभी बहुत कुछ समझना बाकी है। पर हिम्मत कहाँ से लाऊं? वो सब्र कहाँ से लाऊं? मैं टूटना नही चाहती। मैं लड़ना चाहती हूँ हालत से भी और अपनी कमजोरी से भी। में लडूंगी भगवान्। बस मेरी मदद करो। मेरी मदद करो।
मेरे कुछ आदर्श हैं। कुछ मूल्य हैं जिन से मैं समझौता नही कर सकती। इस रास्ते पर बहुत सी मुश्किलें आएँगी ये भी में जानती हूँ। कभी कभी हिम्मत जवाब दे जाती है। पर फ़िर से हिम्मत जुटाना भी मुझे ही पड़ेगी। और ये भी सही है कि शायद हमेशा अकेले ही चलना पड़े। किसी से साथ कि उम्मीद क्यूं रखूं? उम्मीद टूटेगी तो फिर दर्द होगा ना। मैं कुछ और नही मांगती भगवन बस मुझे शक्ति हो। शक्ति दो कि मैं अपने फैसलों पर अटल रह सकूँ। सही और ग़लत में फर्क कर सकूँ। खुश रह सकूँ और सबको खुश रख सकूँ। उन सभी लोगों को जिन्हें मेरी परवाह है।
आज ये मैंने क्या लिखा है और क्यूं लिखा है ये तो मुझे नही पता। पर जो भी लिखा है मेरे अपने जज़्बात हैं। मैं मंजिल जानती हूँ। रास्ता ढूँढ रही हूँ। उम्मीद सिर्फ़ उस उपरवाले से है कि वो रास्ता दिखायेगा। इंसानों से उमीदें रखना मैं छोड़ चुकी हूँ।

AN ANSWER.............

i really dont know why i have named this post what i have. at present i myself don't have any idea about what my own state of mind is. funny........isn't it?

i just finished reading a book. a book i have grown so fond of that i don't want to share even its name with anyone right now. i book that has awaken a hope deep inside my heart that one day all of my questions are going to get answered. the decisions that i took inspite of my own cries of pain, of loneliness and of plain fear are all going to be proved right one day.

i love you god and i promise myself that i will survive till that day. the day when i will be able to feel the happiness which i deserve. AMEN.........

i will survive...........

i was thinking since so many days about posting something which could truley describe as what i have been feeling since so many days. today while watching the movie rock on i saw k.d. singing this song i a party. the words that struck me were, "i will survive". i searched for this song on net and found the song. i checked the lyrics and got bowled. it is something so encouraging and provoking. i instantly fell in love with this song. so these are the magical lyrics which pulled me out from a very raw mood........

first i was afraid, i was petrified
kept thinkin i could never live without you by my side
but then i spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
and i grew strong, and i learned how to get along

and so you're back, from outer sace
i just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face
i should've changed that stupid lock, i should have magde you leave your key
if i'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.

go on now go, walk out the door,
just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with good-bye,
you think i'd crumble, you think i'd lay down and die.

oh, no not i, i will survive,
oh as long as i know how to love, i know i'll stay alive
i've got all my life to live, i've got all my love to give
and i, i will survive, i will survive....hey, hey.

it took all the strenght i had, not to fall apart
just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,
and i spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself,
i used to cry, but now i hold my hewad up high.

and you see me, somebody new,
i'm not that chained up little person still in love with you.
and so you felt like dropping in, and just expect me to be free,
but now i'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me.

go on now go, walk out the door.
just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore.
weren't you the one who tried to break me with good-bye,
you think i'd crumble, you think i'd lay down and die,

oh no not i, i will survive
oh as long as i know how to love, i know i'll stay alive,
i've got all my life to live, i've got all my love to give,
i will survive, i will survive.......



i found so many versions of the song on net but i think the original song is written by dino fekaris and freddie perren and performed by gloria gaynor.

you can listen to the song here.
http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/1/gloria_gaynor_i_will_survive.html