Rebounds

One of the things that has always tugged at my heart strings is the psychological scene behind rebounds. People who are second choices, people who come in someone's life when the former has already suffered a broken relationship, a heartbreak. How do they know if they are there because of themselves or because of the cause of that heart break. What about the fear, that they can be easily forgotten once the original couple mends fences.

And in the present world, where everyone is getting in and out of relationships at an accelerated rate, how can one be sure about someone. You move on, you build lives, invest time and emotion, and then someone else shows up and apologizes, and just like that it can be over.

I had found the best description of this dilemma in some lines of my favorite poet, Ahmed Faraz. Since the original poem is in Urdu, I will try to provide an English translation for every para to the best of my ability. Here we go:

मुझसे पहले तुझे जिस शख्स ने चाहा उसने 

शायद अब भी तेरा ग़म दिल से लगा रक्खा हो.

एक बेनाम सी उम्मीद पे अब भी शायद 

अपने ख्वाबो के जज़ीरो  को सजा रक्खा हो 

Maybe the one who loved you before me

still holds the pain of your love in his heart

Maybe there is a nameless hope he clutches

and preserves his island of dreams.

मैंने माना की वह बेगाना-ए -पैमाने वफ़ा 

खो चूका है जो किसी और की रानाई में 

शायद अब लौट के आये  न तेरी महफ़िल में 

और कोई दुःख न रुलाए तुझे तन्हाई में 

I agree that he who had cheated

is now lost in someone else's enchantment

maybe he will never return to you

and you will never need to cry in loneliness.

मैंने माना की शबो-रोज़ के हंगामों में 

वक़्त हर ग़म को भुला देता है रफ्ता रफ्ता 

चाहे उम्मीद की शम्में हों कि यादों के चराग़ 

मुस्तक़िल बोद बुझा देता है रफ्ता रफ्ता 

I also agree that in the chaos of our lives

time helps us to forget every agony

whether its the candle of hope or that of memories

constant distance blows that out too.

फिर भी माज़ी का ख्याल आता है गाहे गाहे 

मुद्दतें दर्द की लौ कम तो नहीं कर सकतीं 

ज़ख्म  भर जाएं मगर दाग तो रह जाता है 

दूरियों से कभी यादें तो नहीं मर सकतीं 

Still the memories haunt you from time to time

A long spell cannot totally cure the sting of pain

Even if the wound is cured, scar remains

distance alone cannot kill the rememberence

यह भी मुमकिन है की एक दिन वह पशेमाँ होकर 

तेरे पास आये ज़माने से किनारा कर ले 

तू कि  मासूम भी है, जूद - फरामोश भी है 

उसकी पैमां - शिकनी  को भी गवारा  कर ले 

Its also possible that his guilt will drive him back to you

and he will pledge to let go of the entire world

And you who are so innocent and forgiving

will forgive him even after breaking all promises

और मैं , जिसने तुझे अपना मसीहा समझा 

एक ज़ख्म और भी पहले की तरह सह जाऊं 

जिसपे पहले भी कई अहले-वफ़ा टूटे हैं 

उसी दोराहे पे चुप-चाप खड़ा रह जाऊं 

And me who considered you to be my savior

Will bear this wound like all others

I will be left behind on a fork in the road

which has witnessed many such stories earlier.

(अहमद फ़राज़ )

Loneliness

Read a post on LinkedIn where Cadbury has launched a campaign to raise awareness about increasing loneliness among older people. As per the pact, Cadbury has removed the company name, product name and any other words from the packaging and has kept only the purple cover and the half logo with two cups. The point is to donate the words to people who need to hear them. An intriguing initiative I would say.

Loneliness as per me is not just increasing among the older people. We can see it's effects among all age groups, from kids 6-7 years of age to the elders. I had a very detailed discussion with an 8 year old recently about what he wants people to improve on. This happened after he got into a fight with his parents and told them they do not understand! Parents, who as per the child, are not able to understand his 8 year old point of view! So when he had calmed down some after having 2 bowls of ice-cream, I asked him what did he mean. He patiently explained that most of the times when he gets into a mischief, he knows that he has done something he was not supposed to as soon as he has done it. And now the dilemma occurs whether to tell or not, whether to accept the mistake or not. Because apparently, this kid has already made a pact with himself never to repeat that mistake as he knows the consequences now. But if he tells his parents, he will be punished even after learning the lesson and feeling guilty. And if he does not tell, isn't that lying? he wonders. The wistfulness in his voice is heart-breaking when he says, "I wish there was someone who could understand this feeling. I feel so lonely sometimes."

The next discussion was with a cousin who is a girl of 28 whose parents are scanning the matrimonial sites day and night to find a good match for her. They have their own list of filter criteria like age, education, religion, caste, family back-ground and what not. But when the girl says that she wants to check the sunsign of these prospective grooms to see if she will ever be compatible with them, a heated debate follows where parents trash this idea as absurd. This cousin of mine is scared and puzzled. She is a shy creature with an eccentric personality and tremendous potential to achieve greatness. When she talks about the situation she says, "How can they be sure that an educated and religious guy will always be great but find it weird that sunsign may also be a good approach to check compatibility. Haven't we seen some examples in our family where all these factors proved irrelevant when some couples were concerned. Why can't they try to look at the things from this angle for once. What if I get stuck with someone who has no regard for my way of life. Why does no one understand where I am coming from. Oh, I feel so lonely sometimes".

Ironically, the next discussion that I had was with this girl's mother. She says she just wants to ensure her daughter's safe and secure future. She knows that her criteria are not fool-proof but is confident that they work ninety percent of the times. She however has no idea what this sunsign crap is and has no intention of exploring something that she deems inconsequential. She however is heartbroken over her daughter's frustration and anger towards her and says , " I know what is good for her. I am trying my best to ensure her happiness. I am willing to adjust some of the factors if I am convinced that they will deliver a better result. I am ready to fight the whole world, including my husband if it's required to keep my child safe. Why doesn't she understand that. Why doesn't anyone understand that. Oh, I feel so lonely sometimes,"

And last but not the least, I remember the far away look in my grand-mother's eyes whenever we went for walks after my grandfather, her husband of 60 years passed away. She never suspected her family's love and devotion for her. She sometimes said that we all have given her immense strength to continue. But she had lost that will to live when my Nana left. Though she never would have said that in words, she felt extremely lonely in-spite of the crowd surrounding her till the day she herself passed away.

So what is this stage that we all have come to? And where do we go from here? How do we start feeling more connected, heard, understood and less lonely. I guess the only way is to start with one conversation at a time, full of empathy and a will to listen, absorb, analyse and then respond. Those of us, who still can act should take up this responsibility and start reaching out to their loved ones. Otherwise loneliness is something that will kill all of us brutally, and long before any other climatic and environmental conditions gets a chance to complete the task.

Ending this post with some lines from my favorite author

इसका सोचा भी ना था अबके जो तन्हा  गुज़री
वह क़यामत ही गनीमत थी जो यकजा गुज़री

आ गले तुझको लगा लूँ मेरे प्यारे दुश्मन
एक मेरी बात नहीं, तुझपे भी क्या क्या गुज़री

मेरी तन्हा-सफ़री मेरा मुक्कदर थी 'फ़राज़ '
वर्ना इस शहरे-तमन्ना  से तो दुनिया गुज़री

(अहमद फ़राज़ )

Parenthood

So, as far as my memory goes back, I can always see myself as a sad, ugly but intelligent child. I remember being picked upon by school-mates who were prettier, fairer, wealthier. I remember them telling me that I am so unlucky when I didn't get picked up for a lucky draw fifth time in a row. I don't recall if any of them were picked.

I remember being at home and getting scolded and shouted at for being too logical, for arguing with my parents. I remember my mom shouting like crazy and running behind me with a stool to hit me when I had lied about staying at the friend's place longer because I didn't want to come back home. I remember crying myself to sleep almost everyday as a kid, mostly because I had a fight with my mom and sometimes because my crush had no idea that I was so desperately in love with him. I remember some elders asking me why was I always sad.

I also remember that in college I tried to have a relationship but thankfully realized in a very short span of time that it was not worth it. I could do better. I also remember making a friend with whom I connected on every level. In a long, long time, I felt like I could breath without a worry. And then it all came crashing down when that friend proved to be a troubled but disastrous soul who was working many angles at the same time. It was my Mom who got me out of that situation.

And that is when I thought that my friendship with my mother began. We started to understand each other better. We considered each other's point of views before getting into an argument. So things got way better from that point on. She had some major surgeries during that time and I stayed with her as a rock. I am her rock till today. even more so since we lost my grand-parents who were her biggest emotional support.

But till today, sometimes it gets too difficult to see the things like she sees them. I understand her beliefs, her values and respect them. But I do not want to raise a child and make him/her go through the hell that I have gone through because it is so difficult to try and understand your child's view when you are building a home, paying the bills, doing a full-time job and raising 3 kids.  Is it so bad that I don't know if I want to have a kid or not. I am terrified of the possibility that I can any day turn into what my mother was that that stage and cause harm in such a way that will hurt even after 25 years.

Even when I am dealing with my husband and a difficult issue comes up, I react only after ensuring that this is not how my parents would behave. Some times when I realize that I am behaving just the way my mom would in a difficult situation, by exposing everyone to her negative thoughts and beliefs, making it difficult for everyone at home to even breath, smile, talk normally for days in a row, I feel a sudden shock and then I pull myself back.

And then sometimes like today I ponder on this - Has this whole experience made me a better person or worse. Is it good that I am conscious that I can hurt people by my words, or is it bad because in order to avoid a confrontation, I let people walk all over me. I struggle with raising my voice even when I am being wronged because I hate arguments. I take up more than I can do and then sometimes have a break-down just because I do not want to be dependent on any and everyone like her.

It has took me 6 years in my marriage to realize that my husband is not going to leave me or hate me because there are certain things that we don't agree upon or argue about. My eyes water-up every time I think of him hugging me just minutes after a terrible fight because he wants me to know that he love me unconditionally and will always be with me no matter what. You see this scenario is in direct contrast to my childhood where I would live in constant fear and depression for days because my mom wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge my existence because of something that I did and offended her.

Is it even possible to reverse the damage that was done to our beings during our childhoods. How our parents, teachers, friends and neighbors have influenced our thinking patterns and behavior. Is there a way by which we can protect our kids from this mess. I look at my 8 year old nephew making up stories instead of telling truth for every single question asked because that is what he has seen his father and grand-father doing since he can remember. I look at another friend's toddler throwing temper tantrums and smashing things in the house because that is what his mother has always done whenever she is frustrated.

And this makes me question my own instincts when I think about being a parent. What use is bringing a life in this world and start damaging it's soul right from the start even unknowingly. And later justify by saying that it's not your fault  as you were not aware that it will have such deep impact. I have doubted myself about being a good wife every day of my marriage because of my parent's relationship. Will I be doubting myself everyday in the same manner if and when I become a mother. If yes, is it worth it?