So, as far as my memory goes back, I can always see myself as a sad, ugly but intelligent child. I remember being picked upon by school-mates who were prettier, fairer, wealthier. I remember them telling me that I am so unlucky when I didn't get picked up for a lucky draw fifth time in a row. I don't recall if any of them were picked.
I remember being at home and getting scolded and shouted at for being too logical, for arguing with my parents. I remember my mom shouting like crazy and running behind me with a stool to hit me when I had lied about staying at the friend's place longer because I didn't want to come back home. I remember crying myself to sleep almost everyday as a kid, mostly because I had a fight with my mom and sometimes because my crush had no idea that I was so desperately in love with him. I remember some elders asking me why was I always sad.
I also remember that in college I tried to have a relationship but thankfully realized in a very short span of time that it was not worth it. I could do better. I also remember making a friend with whom I connected on every level. In a long, long time, I felt like I could breath without a worry. And then it all came crashing down when that friend proved to be a troubled but disastrous soul who was working many angles at the same time. It was my Mom who got me out of that situation.
And that is when I thought that my friendship with my mother began. We started to understand each other better. We considered each other's point of views before getting into an argument. So things got way better from that point on. She had some major surgeries during that time and I stayed with her as a rock. I am her rock till today. even more so since we lost my grand-parents who were her biggest emotional support.
But till today, sometimes it gets too difficult to see the things like she sees them. I understand her beliefs, her values and respect them. But I do not want to raise a child and make him/her go through the hell that I have gone through because it is so difficult to try and understand your child's view when you are building a home, paying the bills, doing a full-time job and raising 3 kids. Is it so bad that I don't know if I want to have a kid or not. I am terrified of the possibility that I can any day turn into what my mother was that that stage and cause harm in such a way that will hurt even after 25 years.
Even when I am dealing with my husband and a difficult issue comes up, I react only after ensuring that this is not how my parents would behave. Some times when I realize that I am behaving just the way my mom would in a difficult situation, by exposing everyone to her negative thoughts and beliefs, making it difficult for everyone at home to even breath, smile, talk normally for days in a row, I feel a sudden shock and then I pull myself back.
And then sometimes like today I ponder on this - Has this whole experience made me a better person or worse. Is it good that I am conscious that I can hurt people by my words, or is it bad because in order to avoid a confrontation, I let people walk all over me. I struggle with raising my voice even when I am being wronged because I hate arguments. I take up more than I can do and then sometimes have a break-down just because I do not want to be dependent on any and everyone like her.
It has took me 6 years in my marriage to realize that my husband is not going to leave me or hate me because there are certain things that we don't agree upon or argue about. My eyes water-up every time I think of him hugging me just minutes after a terrible fight because he wants me to know that he love me unconditionally and will always be with me no matter what. You see this scenario is in direct contrast to my childhood where I would live in constant fear and depression for days because my mom wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge my existence because of something that I did and offended her.
Is it even possible to reverse the damage that was done to our beings during our childhoods. How our parents, teachers, friends and neighbors have influenced our thinking patterns and behavior. Is there a way by which we can protect our kids from this mess. I look at my 8 year old nephew making up stories instead of telling truth for every single question asked because that is what he has seen his father and grand-father doing since he can remember. I look at another friend's toddler throwing temper tantrums and smashing things in the house because that is what his mother has always done whenever she is frustrated.
And this makes me question my own instincts when I think about being a parent. What use is bringing a life in this world and start damaging it's soul right from the start even unknowingly. And later justify by saying that it's not your fault as you were not aware that it will have such deep impact. I have doubted myself about being a good wife every day of my marriage because of my parent's relationship. Will I be doubting myself everyday in the same manner if and when I become a mother. If yes, is it worth it?
I remember being at home and getting scolded and shouted at for being too logical, for arguing with my parents. I remember my mom shouting like crazy and running behind me with a stool to hit me when I had lied about staying at the friend's place longer because I didn't want to come back home. I remember crying myself to sleep almost everyday as a kid, mostly because I had a fight with my mom and sometimes because my crush had no idea that I was so desperately in love with him. I remember some elders asking me why was I always sad.
I also remember that in college I tried to have a relationship but thankfully realized in a very short span of time that it was not worth it. I could do better. I also remember making a friend with whom I connected on every level. In a long, long time, I felt like I could breath without a worry. And then it all came crashing down when that friend proved to be a troubled but disastrous soul who was working many angles at the same time. It was my Mom who got me out of that situation.
And that is when I thought that my friendship with my mother began. We started to understand each other better. We considered each other's point of views before getting into an argument. So things got way better from that point on. She had some major surgeries during that time and I stayed with her as a rock. I am her rock till today. even more so since we lost my grand-parents who were her biggest emotional support.
But till today, sometimes it gets too difficult to see the things like she sees them. I understand her beliefs, her values and respect them. But I do not want to raise a child and make him/her go through the hell that I have gone through because it is so difficult to try and understand your child's view when you are building a home, paying the bills, doing a full-time job and raising 3 kids. Is it so bad that I don't know if I want to have a kid or not. I am terrified of the possibility that I can any day turn into what my mother was that that stage and cause harm in such a way that will hurt even after 25 years.
Even when I am dealing with my husband and a difficult issue comes up, I react only after ensuring that this is not how my parents would behave. Some times when I realize that I am behaving just the way my mom would in a difficult situation, by exposing everyone to her negative thoughts and beliefs, making it difficult for everyone at home to even breath, smile, talk normally for days in a row, I feel a sudden shock and then I pull myself back.
And then sometimes like today I ponder on this - Has this whole experience made me a better person or worse. Is it good that I am conscious that I can hurt people by my words, or is it bad because in order to avoid a confrontation, I let people walk all over me. I struggle with raising my voice even when I am being wronged because I hate arguments. I take up more than I can do and then sometimes have a break-down just because I do not want to be dependent on any and everyone like her.
It has took me 6 years in my marriage to realize that my husband is not going to leave me or hate me because there are certain things that we don't agree upon or argue about. My eyes water-up every time I think of him hugging me just minutes after a terrible fight because he wants me to know that he love me unconditionally and will always be with me no matter what. You see this scenario is in direct contrast to my childhood where I would live in constant fear and depression for days because my mom wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge my existence because of something that I did and offended her.
Is it even possible to reverse the damage that was done to our beings during our childhoods. How our parents, teachers, friends and neighbors have influenced our thinking patterns and behavior. Is there a way by which we can protect our kids from this mess. I look at my 8 year old nephew making up stories instead of telling truth for every single question asked because that is what he has seen his father and grand-father doing since he can remember. I look at another friend's toddler throwing temper tantrums and smashing things in the house because that is what his mother has always done whenever she is frustrated.
And this makes me question my own instincts when I think about being a parent. What use is bringing a life in this world and start damaging it's soul right from the start even unknowingly. And later justify by saying that it's not your fault as you were not aware that it will have such deep impact. I have doubted myself about being a good wife every day of my marriage because of my parent's relationship. Will I be doubting myself everyday in the same manner if and when I become a mother. If yes, is it worth it?
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