i m not past it till now

i am tyrying to write down something since last 4 hours but not getting exact words. i think i m maha-upset with something and have no clue about it till now. today i was not able to attend my coaching class as i am sick. apart from this physical sickness, my mental state also dosen't allow me to do a lot of things. like i want to laugh, i want to forget everything that upsets me and everyone who has ever hurt me. but as always i m not able to do what i wish to. i m having this stupid headache since 3 days now and can do nothing as i know the reason behind it is my habit of thinking about the past again and again. i know that nothing can be done about a lot of things but i have this idiotic habit of thinking and thinking and thinking. i had this intution that though my papers were very good, something is going to get wrong. i had warned all my friends and everyone was suggesting me to be positive. now the result is out. though i have topped the class, my percentages are not upto my expectations. i m feeling really sad. it was not my mistake. it was mere luck. but why does this always happen to me. after all that i had to go through last year i was hoping to live life with new perspective in the new year. but everyday my past comes in front of me in one way or other. i try a lot to pretend that it doesn't bother me anymore and i have suceede a bit in pretending as my friends now believe me when i say that i m absolutely fine and fit. but i cant tell a lie to my own soul which always dreads at the thought of an encounter with him. i had loved him so dearly. but he was never loyal to me. not for a single second. atleast this is what i think now. but this had to happen to me. aafter thinking for almost i year and a half i had admitted my feelings about him to myself and then to him. i had thought about every problem which we would have faced, every step that we should have took. every positive and negative result of every single stupid question. i was so afraid to admit that i loved him that while while saying yes to his proposal which he had put in front of me 27th tlme, i had tears in my eyes. i had asked just one thing from him, to be honest. and look at my fate. that person never ever spoke a single truth to me. he was bold enough to break my trust and then accept that he has cheated me. i was shattered. but i tried to gather all the courage that was present inside me and face this blow with determination and hopes. everyone, including him now believes that i have eft everything behind and have moved forward in my life. a part of my soul has exactly done this only. but somewhere deep inside my heart there still is this question that-
" jo hua agar wo nahi hota to jo hota wo kaisa hota."