Urdu Zubaan!!

ऐसा हो ही नहीं सकता की जो आप महसूस कर हैं, उसको बयां करने  उर्दू ज़बान की कुछ पंक्तियाँ आप ना  ढून्ढ पाएं. अब देखिये ना , मैं  कुछ दिनों  सोच रही थी की मुझे इतना लगाव क्यों है इस भाषा से. न ये मेरी मातृभाषा है, न मैंने कभी स्कूल में इसे पढ़ा. पर जब भी कुछ पढ़ा, दिल को छु गया. उर्दू के कुछ शब्द तो ऐसे होते हैं की आपको और कहीं मिल ही नहीं सकते. यही सोचते सोचते उर्दू जबान के बारे में पढ़ रही थी, और गुलज़ार साहब की ये नज़्म सामने आ गयी. ये नज़्म पढ़ने के बाद दिल को जो ख़ुशी और सुकून मिला है, ये  वही  समझ सकता है जिसने इस जबान की  मोहब्बत महसूस की है. 

नज़म कुछ इस तरह है कि  -

ये कैसा इश्क़ है उर्दू ज़बान का
मज़ा घुलता है लफ़्ज़ों का ज़बान पर
कि जैसे पान में महंगा किमाम घुलता है
ये कैसा इश्क़ है उर्दू ज़बान का

नशा आता है उर्दू बोलने में
गिलौरी की तरह हैं मुँह लगी सब इस्तेलाहें
लुत्फ़ देती है, हलक छूती है उर्दू तो, हलक से जैसे मय का घूँट उतरता है
बड़ी अरिस्ट्रॉक्रेसी है ज़बान में
फकीरी में नवाबी का मज़ा देती है उर्दू

अगरचे मानी कम होते हैं उर्दू में
अल्फ़ाज़ की इफरात होती है
मगर फिर भी , बुलंद आवाज़ पढ़िए तो बहुत ही मोतबर लगती हैं बातें
कहीं कुछ दूर से कानों में पड़ती है अगर उर्दू
तो लगता है दिन जाड़ों के हैं खिड़की  खुली है, धूप अंदर आ रही है

अजब है ये ज़बान, उर्दू
कभी कहीं सफर करते अगर कोई मुसाफ़िर शेर पढ़ दे 'मीर', 'ग़ालिब' का
वो चाहे अजनबी हो, यही लगता है वो मेरे वतन का है
बड़ी शाइस्ता लहज़े में किसी से उर्दू सुनकर
क्या नहीं लगता की इक तहज़ीब की आवाज़ है उर्दू

(गुलज़ार)

Rebounds

One of the things that has always tugged at my heart strings is the psychological scene behind rebounds. People who are second choices, people who come in someone's life when the former has already suffered a broken relationship, a heartbreak. How do they know if they are there because of themselves or because of the cause of that heart break. What about the fear, that they can be easily forgotten once the original couple mends fences.

And in the present world, where everyone is getting in and out of relationships at an accelerated rate, how can one be sure about someone. You move on, you build lives, invest time and emotion, and then someone else shows up and apologizes, and just like that it can be over.

I had found the best description of this dilemma in some lines of my favorite poet, Ahmed Faraz. Since the original poem is in Urdu, I will try to provide an English translation for every para to the best of my ability. Here we go:

मुझसे पहले तुझे जिस शख्स ने चाहा उसने 

शायद अब भी तेरा ग़म दिल से लगा रक्खा हो.

एक बेनाम सी उम्मीद पे अब भी शायद 

अपने ख्वाबो के जज़ीरो  को सजा रक्खा हो 

Maybe the one who loved you before me

still holds the pain of your love in his heart

Maybe there is a nameless hope he clutches

and preserves his island of dreams.

मैंने माना की वह बेगाना-ए -पैमाने वफ़ा 

खो चूका है जो किसी और की रानाई में 

शायद अब लौट के आये  न तेरी महफ़िल में 

और कोई दुःख न रुलाए तुझे तन्हाई में 

I agree that he who had cheated

is now lost in someone else's enchantment

maybe he will never return to you

and you will never need to cry in loneliness.

मैंने माना की शबो-रोज़ के हंगामों में 

वक़्त हर ग़म को भुला देता है रफ्ता रफ्ता 

चाहे उम्मीद की शम्में हों कि यादों के चराग़ 

मुस्तक़िल बोद बुझा देता है रफ्ता रफ्ता 

I also agree that in the chaos of our lives

time helps us to forget every agony

whether its the candle of hope or that of memories

constant distance blows that out too.

फिर भी माज़ी का ख्याल आता है गाहे गाहे 

मुद्दतें दर्द की लौ कम तो नहीं कर सकतीं 

ज़ख्म  भर जाएं मगर दाग तो रह जाता है 

दूरियों से कभी यादें तो नहीं मर सकतीं 

Still the memories haunt you from time to time

A long spell cannot totally cure the sting of pain

Even if the wound is cured, scar remains

distance alone cannot kill the rememberence

यह भी मुमकिन है की एक दिन वह पशेमाँ होकर 

तेरे पास आये ज़माने से किनारा कर ले 

तू कि  मासूम भी है, जूद - फरामोश भी है 

उसकी पैमां - शिकनी  को भी गवारा  कर ले 

Its also possible that his guilt will drive him back to you

and he will pledge to let go of the entire world

And you who are so innocent and forgiving

will forgive him even after breaking all promises

और मैं , जिसने तुझे अपना मसीहा समझा 

एक ज़ख्म और भी पहले की तरह सह जाऊं 

जिसपे पहले भी कई अहले-वफ़ा टूटे हैं 

उसी दोराहे पे चुप-चाप खड़ा रह जाऊं 

And me who considered you to be my savior

Will bear this wound like all others

I will be left behind on a fork in the road

which has witnessed many such stories earlier.

(अहमद फ़राज़ )

Loneliness

Read a post on LinkedIn where Cadbury has launched a campaign to raise awareness about increasing loneliness among older people. As per the pact, Cadbury has removed the company name, product name and any other words from the packaging and has kept only the purple cover and the half logo with two cups. The point is to donate the words to people who need to hear them. An intriguing initiative I would say.

Loneliness as per me is not just increasing among the older people. We can see it's effects among all age groups, from kids 6-7 years of age to the elders. I had a very detailed discussion with an 8 year old recently about what he wants people to improve on. This happened after he got into a fight with his parents and told them they do not understand! Parents, who as per the child, are not able to understand his 8 year old point of view! So when he had calmed down some after having 2 bowls of ice-cream, I asked him what did he mean. He patiently explained that most of the times when he gets into a mischief, he knows that he has done something he was not supposed to as soon as he has done it. And now the dilemma occurs whether to tell or not, whether to accept the mistake or not. Because apparently, this kid has already made a pact with himself never to repeat that mistake as he knows the consequences now. But if he tells his parents, he will be punished even after learning the lesson and feeling guilty. And if he does not tell, isn't that lying? he wonders. The wistfulness in his voice is heart-breaking when he says, "I wish there was someone who could understand this feeling. I feel so lonely sometimes."

The next discussion was with a cousin who is a girl of 28 whose parents are scanning the matrimonial sites day and night to find a good match for her. They have their own list of filter criteria like age, education, religion, caste, family back-ground and what not. But when the girl says that she wants to check the sunsign of these prospective grooms to see if she will ever be compatible with them, a heated debate follows where parents trash this idea as absurd. This cousin of mine is scared and puzzled. She is a shy creature with an eccentric personality and tremendous potential to achieve greatness. When she talks about the situation she says, "How can they be sure that an educated and religious guy will always be great but find it weird that sunsign may also be a good approach to check compatibility. Haven't we seen some examples in our family where all these factors proved irrelevant when some couples were concerned. Why can't they try to look at the things from this angle for once. What if I get stuck with someone who has no regard for my way of life. Why does no one understand where I am coming from. Oh, I feel so lonely sometimes".

Ironically, the next discussion that I had was with this girl's mother. She says she just wants to ensure her daughter's safe and secure future. She knows that her criteria are not fool-proof but is confident that they work ninety percent of the times. She however has no idea what this sunsign crap is and has no intention of exploring something that she deems inconsequential. She however is heartbroken over her daughter's frustration and anger towards her and says , " I know what is good for her. I am trying my best to ensure her happiness. I am willing to adjust some of the factors if I am convinced that they will deliver a better result. I am ready to fight the whole world, including my husband if it's required to keep my child safe. Why doesn't she understand that. Why doesn't anyone understand that. Oh, I feel so lonely sometimes,"

And last but not the least, I remember the far away look in my grand-mother's eyes whenever we went for walks after my grandfather, her husband of 60 years passed away. She never suspected her family's love and devotion for her. She sometimes said that we all have given her immense strength to continue. But she had lost that will to live when my Nana left. Though she never would have said that in words, she felt extremely lonely in-spite of the crowd surrounding her till the day she herself passed away.

So what is this stage that we all have come to? And where do we go from here? How do we start feeling more connected, heard, understood and less lonely. I guess the only way is to start with one conversation at a time, full of empathy and a will to listen, absorb, analyse and then respond. Those of us, who still can act should take up this responsibility and start reaching out to their loved ones. Otherwise loneliness is something that will kill all of us brutally, and long before any other climatic and environmental conditions gets a chance to complete the task.

Ending this post with some lines from my favorite author

इसका सोचा भी ना था अबके जो तन्हा  गुज़री
वह क़यामत ही गनीमत थी जो यकजा गुज़री

आ गले तुझको लगा लूँ मेरे प्यारे दुश्मन
एक मेरी बात नहीं, तुझपे भी क्या क्या गुज़री

मेरी तन्हा-सफ़री मेरा मुक्कदर थी 'फ़राज़ '
वर्ना इस शहरे-तमन्ना  से तो दुनिया गुज़री

(अहमद फ़राज़ )

Parenthood

So, as far as my memory goes back, I can always see myself as a sad, ugly but intelligent child. I remember being picked upon by school-mates who were prettier, fairer, wealthier. I remember them telling me that I am so unlucky when I didn't get picked up for a lucky draw fifth time in a row. I don't recall if any of them were picked.

I remember being at home and getting scolded and shouted at for being too logical, for arguing with my parents. I remember my mom shouting like crazy and running behind me with a stool to hit me when I had lied about staying at the friend's place longer because I didn't want to come back home. I remember crying myself to sleep almost everyday as a kid, mostly because I had a fight with my mom and sometimes because my crush had no idea that I was so desperately in love with him. I remember some elders asking me why was I always sad.

I also remember that in college I tried to have a relationship but thankfully realized in a very short span of time that it was not worth it. I could do better. I also remember making a friend with whom I connected on every level. In a long, long time, I felt like I could breath without a worry. And then it all came crashing down when that friend proved to be a troubled but disastrous soul who was working many angles at the same time. It was my Mom who got me out of that situation.

And that is when I thought that my friendship with my mother began. We started to understand each other better. We considered each other's point of views before getting into an argument. So things got way better from that point on. She had some major surgeries during that time and I stayed with her as a rock. I am her rock till today. even more so since we lost my grand-parents who were her biggest emotional support.

But till today, sometimes it gets too difficult to see the things like she sees them. I understand her beliefs, her values and respect them. But I do not want to raise a child and make him/her go through the hell that I have gone through because it is so difficult to try and understand your child's view when you are building a home, paying the bills, doing a full-time job and raising 3 kids.  Is it so bad that I don't know if I want to have a kid or not. I am terrified of the possibility that I can any day turn into what my mother was that that stage and cause harm in such a way that will hurt even after 25 years.

Even when I am dealing with my husband and a difficult issue comes up, I react only after ensuring that this is not how my parents would behave. Some times when I realize that I am behaving just the way my mom would in a difficult situation, by exposing everyone to her negative thoughts and beliefs, making it difficult for everyone at home to even breath, smile, talk normally for days in a row, I feel a sudden shock and then I pull myself back.

And then sometimes like today I ponder on this - Has this whole experience made me a better person or worse. Is it good that I am conscious that I can hurt people by my words, or is it bad because in order to avoid a confrontation, I let people walk all over me. I struggle with raising my voice even when I am being wronged because I hate arguments. I take up more than I can do and then sometimes have a break-down just because I do not want to be dependent on any and everyone like her.

It has took me 6 years in my marriage to realize that my husband is not going to leave me or hate me because there are certain things that we don't agree upon or argue about. My eyes water-up every time I think of him hugging me just minutes after a terrible fight because he wants me to know that he love me unconditionally and will always be with me no matter what. You see this scenario is in direct contrast to my childhood where I would live in constant fear and depression for days because my mom wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge my existence because of something that I did and offended her.

Is it even possible to reverse the damage that was done to our beings during our childhoods. How our parents, teachers, friends and neighbors have influenced our thinking patterns and behavior. Is there a way by which we can protect our kids from this mess. I look at my 8 year old nephew making up stories instead of telling truth for every single question asked because that is what he has seen his father and grand-father doing since he can remember. I look at another friend's toddler throwing temper tantrums and smashing things in the house because that is what his mother has always done whenever she is frustrated.

And this makes me question my own instincts when I think about being a parent. What use is bringing a life in this world and start damaging it's soul right from the start even unknowingly. And later justify by saying that it's not your fault  as you were not aware that it will have such deep impact. I have doubted myself about being a good wife every day of my marriage because of my parent's relationship. Will I be doubting myself everyday in the same manner if and when I become a mother. If yes, is it worth it?

Dolce far Niente - The Sweetness of Doing Nothing

I got hooked up on this term while watching 'Eat Pray Love' for the third time i guess. What a lovely thought! to do nothing and enjoy the moment. Maybe I was so caught up because I never was comfortable doing that. Even when I am sleeping my mind keeps working. Even my dreams are practical.

Tried many things over time but nothing works. I have heard people saying that one should day dream to relax. I tried doing that with hilarious results. So here I am dreaming of a day when I will be sitting at a beach, sipping a gorgeous drink and reading an interesting book. And suddenly my mind goes like - "OK!! so what are you wearing?? Where did u get that from? How much did that cost? REALLY!! and what made you think that you could spend so much money on one silly dress. ALRIGHT!! changing the topic, where are you staying and for how many days? Did you apply for leave? Oh you did, that's great! but then you won't be getting anymore leaves for the festival season, you realize that right?" And thus goes my experiment with day-dreaming relaxation.

Today, I tried the new trick of imagining myself sitting on a mountaintop and observing the ocean at sunset. Wow, it was surreal! And there my mind goes again! "Mountaintop!! Where? How? Don't you think you should get up and get a handle on 10 million things before you open your freaking laptop and login to get started with work!!" Like seriously, for a moment I was there instead of Ranbir Kapoor, sitting on a tall rock and staring at the sea, just like that one brief shot of Tamasha. And the next moment I am thinking about going to the store to buy Milk and Arhar Daal.

I had even joined the 'Art of Living' happiness course at a very low point in my life. And for time being it worked. I could relax in the midst of chaos. But that also worked till the time I had cut-off myself from real life. And Once I returned, there was no going back. I could never find the time or motivation to sit still and simply breath without my mind wandering to places and pushing me to get up and get going.

So here I am, wondering whether ever in my whole life, I will be able to let go of things and just breath in the fresh air and let go. It just sounds and feels so peaceful and serene. 'SERENITY', one of my favourite words. Oh, the irony. I hope that I find the answer soon.

-Charu

Me and Tamasha..!

What can one do with the fire that burns them from within. The fire that urges them to fight, fight for something good and worthwhile. And what if you cannot find anything worthwhile to fight for? What if you are just clueless, directionless, absorbed in everyday's mundane tasks, looking for a reason to go on. You feel like all the potential you have is getting wasted day by day because you don't know what you want.

Once you had dreams, dreams so great that every second of every day felt bursting with energy. And then life knocked you down hard. You gave up for some time. You did just let go. And then somehow you got up. You survived. But in the process lost that gleam from your eyes. And you lost the belief in your dreams. You learnt to compromise, now you give up easily. And the most frightening part is that you have accepted this method of existence as your reality. Along the way you took steps which cannot be reversed.

Sounds like everyone's story right? Well, to me, it sounds a little like one story which is close to my heart, but with a happier ending. The story of one of my favorite movies - TAMASHA!

Ved, the terrified, oppressed little boy who has learnt so well to keep his thoughts and emotions hidden goes to Corsica, meets Tara, and the world explodes. With millions of colors and lights, just for them. They get to live in a bubble just for sometime, where everything was bright and beautiful. Where they were as happy as one could ever be. Content in each others company, in each others silences. Those parts of the movie always leave me craving for such days, where I will not have a single thing to care about, just lazing out in a field somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

And then reality strikes and they get back to their ACTUAL lives. And then you get to see the contrast. Tara maintains an illusion of that bubble in her life, still snatching some moments of that blessed content, not with Ved but with his memories. Ved goes back to his life and surrenders to that alternate reality which is indeed the reality. While some may think of Ved as practical and Tara as a dreamer, they should not forget that only dreamers get to realize their dreams.

And so, one day, Tara walks across her dream again and finds Ved. But guess what, he is not the one she had been with for so long, he is just the shadow of the man she loves. One who has stopped believing in himself because no one had ever believed in him. When Tara tries to make him realize who he was, who he can be, his first instinct is to fight back and fight hard. You see the struggle of a man who is afraid to hope, afraid to think. And thus he pushes Tara away.

And then, you see the slow but mesmerizing transformation of Ved to Don again. Its a painful yet beautiful journey of self-realization. At last emerges a person who is not afraid of being himself. Who is able to accept himself and thus is able to turn himself into his own best possible version. Last but not the least he wins that one thing from the world which he now truly deserves, his companion and soulmate, Tara.

Only after accepting yourself for what you are and what you are capable of being, you can accept someone else in your life.Think, how can another soul know and understand you when you yourself are not capable of that. And if by some miracle, someone like that appears on the horizon, you will not only try to negate their thinking but also your own life. And there is nothing more maddening and scarier then that. I think I have committed this same mistake partially. I realized that while writing this down. And I intend to handle this. Lets see how that goes

-Charu  

The Shiva Trilogy By Amish

When I was a child a lot of mythological shows were aired on television like Shri Krishna, Mahabharat, Ramayan etc. Since then I have been fascinated by Krishna. I believed in his philosophies, admire him as a teacher & politician and worship him not just as a God but as my saviour in my hour of need. While reading 'Mujhe Chand Chahiye', I felt thrilled when the protagonist 'Varsha' showed a similar devotion to my Lord.

One of the shows which graced the Indian television during the same time period was 'Om Namah Shivay'. I believe it used to be aired on Mondays and also remember my family watching it. Although, I never took much interest in this one and so was not a regular with the series. Years later when the phenomenon named 'Amish' hit the Indian literary scene, I still did not pay much attention to his books (Infact, I was urged by many friends to read them) as his first series was the Shiva triology. Only after reading the first two books of Ramayan Series I got a little curious. I was drawn to the writing style of the author as for me he had made the relatively simple characters of 'Ram' and 'Sita' (About whom my knowledge was limited to reading Ramayan, a few stories that I had heard and some refernces in movies and books) into such strong, mesmerizing and poignant people. Since the third book of 'Ramayan Series' was nowhere in vicinity of launch, I decided to read the 'Shiva Triology'. And boy!, what an experience it was to read three books with around 370 pages each in a span on just 10 days with a full-time job and a lot of other responsibilities. 

'Shiva', a barbarian, a migrant, a nobody reaches Meluha by tun of fate, falls in love with the princess of the kingdom, stumbles upon the decree to become 'Neelkanth' and is trusted with the responsibility to rid the great nation of India from a widespread 'Evil'. I am not going to summarize the story here for that is not what touched me the most. I am amazed at the power of writing trough which the author has given such complex and yet believable explanations of the events which till now were only magical religious phenomenons to me like the blue throat and the third eye of the Lord.  His habit of smoking marijuana, his apparel, his temper and his love, all were there for a reason.

The thing that is haunting me hours after finishing the last book is the character of Sati. The bond between Shiva and his wife Sati laid the foundation of whole epic. A bond of true love which lead them to realize their ultimate potential as warriors and Gods. Theirs was a union that balanced them. And was a kind of relationship that strengthened my belief in the institution of marriage where two people support each other to be the best versions of themselves.

Its fascinating that the writer tries to emphasize the point that 'Shiva' was just a normal human being who explores his strengths and becomes 'Mahadev'. This notion fills every heart with hope that someday, with some luck and a hell lot of hard work, if we remain true to ourselves, we all can also become what we are supposed to be, what we were born to become. Because behind this hope is the fear that this life will just end someday in the middle of this chaos without doing anything worthwhile. And that is something nobody should allow to happen to them. Every being is born with the ability to do good and make others life easier. The only question that remains is are we willing to be good, be consumed by that fire of self-exploration and then put in that truck loads of effort in order to fulfill our destiny. And what if the end of this road is not the end yet but another turn. Will we be willing to go on.Will we be able to gather the strength and hold on to the hope of a brighter future to continue. That is the question we all need to answer for ourselves.

-Charu

Love and its forms............

Its a complete delight to find your long forgotten blog while browsing the net after almost 7 years. What is more delightful is to try for a day and remember the credentials to login to it and write a new post. But the most delightful part was scrolling through my past posts and trying to remember me as I was some 10 years ago. A girl of 20, trying to get over a heart break. Now I am 30 and a lot has changed. My way of life, my profession, my marital status and the city of residence. But one thing that has still not changed is my passion for books, music and movies. I plan to continue sharing my thoughts on all of these subjects through this platform.

Having read hundred of books over time, I have drawn a conclusion which is surprising even for me. The love that a person feels for someone not feeling the same way or one who is not admitting their feelings is indeed love.  But the love that comes in the form of mutual respect and caring while struggling through the ups and downs of life together, while watching a person fight and stumble, get up and fight again, rest and reflect is purer, fiercer and stronger. Nothing binds you to a person as strongly as sharing this struggle. We cannot love a person truly until we have watched him/her going though the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows. If and when we witness and accept that, we encounter love in its magnificence.

And the person who had helped me the most to draw this conclusion is the author 'Amish Tripathi'. I have read the two books of his Ramayan series released till date. I have started reading the first book of the Shiva Triology and the thought just dawned on me. What would have happened if Ram and Sita, Shiva and Sati had easier lives to begin with. What if they were brought up in a comfortable cocooned environments without the need to face the harsh realities of life. Would they have been able to understand one another? Would they have been still drawn to one another? I believe NO. Nobody becomes extra-ordinary by leading ordinary life. And you earn the right to be with a being who is extra-ordinary, you have to be so yourself. Then only the union can become balanced and harmonious.

An unbalanced relation may also appear beautiful at first,  but in the long run brings out the frustrations of lack in understanding and admiration. The point of views of people involved become two parallel lines running straight in the same direction, lying in the same plane, but never meeting. This is the reason why after separations and divorces, the most common reason as explained by the coupes is that they and their partners wanted different things in life, hence the analogy of parallel lines.

Running along with the same analogy we can conclude that an ideal relation would be like a set of intersecting lines. two individuals coming from different backgrounds, meeting at a common point and still maintaining an independent identity of their own. But they will always have that point of intersection as a reference, as a reminder of their shared beliefs and struggles and as a beacon of hope and trust in their toughest times. A reminder that they have something and common and thus giving courage to fight yet another battle in life with trust that they have someone who will fight along their side.

-Charu

haar nahi manuga

अटल जी की एक कविता है जिसकी ये पंक्तियाँ हैं:

हार नहीं मानूंगा , रार नयी ठानूंगा। 

पता नहीं कैसे अचानक से याद आ गयी. शायद हालत ऐसे हैं इसलिए . मन एक तरह से हार मान ही चुका है. और में अपने मैं को समझने की कोशिश कर रही हु. लो जी।  दूसरी पंक्तियाँ याद आ गयीं. 

दिल को समझना कह दो क्या आसान है। 

दिल तो फितरत से ही सुन लो न बेईमान है. 

ये एक गीत का अंतरा है. फिल्म खोया खोया चाँद से. 

जब से उदास हूँ  खुद को बहला रही  हूँ कुछ नज़्मों , कुछ गीतों और कुछ किताबों से. किताबें कौनसी? जादू वाली. जिसमे कोई न कोई फरिश्ता आता है राह दिखने के लिए. मेरी मदद के लिए भी कोई आएगा, नहीं तो मेरे गॉड जी ही ऊपर से कोई सिग्नल देंगे. आज मुझे वापस ल कर यहीं खड़ा कर दिया. इस ब्लॉग के सामने। ये भी तो एक सिग्नल ही  है।

अच्छा देखते हैं और क्या क्या याद याद  आता है.

टूटा टूटा एक परिंदा ऐसे टूटा, की फिर जुड़ न पाया।
लूटा लूटा किसने उसको ऐसे लूटा, की फिर उड़ न पाया।
गिरता हुआ वो आसमा से आ कर गिरा ज़मीन पर।
आँखों में फिर भी बादल  ही थे वो कहता रहा मगर.
की अल्लाह के बन्दे हँस दे अल्लाह के बंदे।
अल्लाह के बन्दे हंस दे, जो भी हो कल फिर आयेगा। 

Dagny Taggart.

What is it about dagny that resembels me. Or there is something in me that resembles dagny. this question used to resonate in mind since the time I had first read 'Atlas Shrugged'. I found the answer to this question in another book of Ayn Rand called 'We the Living'. Kira says to anderi in certain context that although she doesn't believe in souls, but if they were to posses any they would find out that the root of their souls is same.

Now I can understand the conversation between dagny and cherryl in 'Atlas Shrugged', when dagny asks cherryl to hold on to the feeling which tells her that her life is to be regarded above everything else. This feeling is correct. and no one the wold has the right to deny it.

I can't compromise. not when for my whole life i have held on to the thought that this one decision of my life is going to be the proof of what i am. what i have stood for. what i believe in. as if it is my only reverence. I cannot compromise in that. even thinking about a compromise makes me feel sick. I cant give up. I won't give up.

कृष्णकली.

शायद ये नाम ही काफी होगा उन लोगों के लिए जो ये किताब पढ़ चुके हैं। मैंने ये किताब कई बार पढ़ी है, और हर बार कलीके व्यक्तित्व का एक नया पहलू मेरे सामने उजागर हुआ। खैर , आइये शुरुवात से शुरू करते हैं। कृष्णकली एक उपन्यास है शिवानी द्वारा लिखा गया। शिवानी हमेशा से मेरी प्रिय लिखिका रही हैं, हिंदी साहित्य जितना भी पढ़ा उसमे शायद शिवानी की किताबें ही सबसे ज्याद पढ़ी हैं। मुझे आज भी याद हैं वो दिन जब में अपने इंजीनियरिंग की परीक्षाओं के बीच में भी शिवानी की किताबें पढने का वक़्त निकाल लेती थी।
ऐसा ही एक दिन था, शायद कॉलेज में मेरे पहले ही साल में, जब शाम के वक़्त मैंने पहली बार ये उपन्यास पढ़ कर ख़त्म किया था। उस वक़्त जो मेरी मनोदशा थी वो वैसी ही थी जैसी 'गुनाहों का देवता' पढने के बाद हुई थी।
क्या कहूँ कली के बारे मे ? सुना है की जब ये कहानी अखबार में छपा करती थी तो आखरी भाग आने के बाद हंगामा हो गया था की कली मर गयी। और क्यों न होता हंगामा? एक चुलबुली सी लड़की, जो ज़िन्दगी भर बड़ी ही हिम्मत के साथ हर मुश्किल का सामना करती है, आखिर में चुपचाप चली गयी। उसका हासिल कुछ भी नहीं।
सोचो तो अजीब लगता है। अगर हर इंसान हमेशा ये सोच कर मुश्किलों से लड़ता जाये की अंत में सब ठीक हो जायेगा और अचानक से उसकी ज़िन्दगी ख़त्म हो जाये तो?
कली के जीवन का आरम्भ ही विचित्र परिस्तिथियों में हुआ। अपने स्वयं के माता पिता को उसने कभी देखा नहीं , और उम्र के १७ वर्षो तक जिन्हें माता पिता समझती रही , वो उसे नहीं समझ पाए। ऊपर से चंचल और हठी दिखने वाली वो लड़की भीतर से कितनी सहमी हुई थी, ये हम पाठक भी तभी समझ पाए जब उसने प्रवीर को अपनी जीवन गाथा सुनाई। एक ऐसी लड़की जिसने अपने सौंदर्य और बुद्धिमत्ता से संसार को परास्त किया पर स्वयं अपने अतीत और अपनी जड़ों को नहीं हरा पाई।
प्रवीर और कली का रिश्ता कभी बन ही न पाया की बिगड़ता। कली का प्रवीर की तरफ खिचाव और प्रवीर का उस से कटे हुए रहना, ये सब जब तक सुलझ पता, बड़ी देर हो गयी थी। प्रवीर की सगाई हुई और उसके अगले ही दिन वो ये जान पाया की कली के कठोर बाहरी कवच के भीतर एक घबरायी हुई, सहमी हुई लड़की है। एक ऐसी लड़की जो सहारा भी चाहती है और उस से दूर भी भागती है, जो साथ भी चलना चाहती है और डरती भी है की कहीं साथ छूट न जाये। बाकि जो हुआ वो कहने और सुनने का कोई मतलब नहीं है।
बस कहानी का अंत यही है की कली चली गयी। और अब मुझसे लिखा नहीं जा रहा है। शायद हर कहानी का अंत ऐसा ही होता है। कोई कभी नहीं समझ पता किसी और को। और जब तक समझने की कोशिश करता है तब तक बहुत देर हो चुकी होती है।

सदमा तो है.............

सदमा तो है मुझे भी कि तुझसे जुदा हूँ मैं,

लेकिन ये सोचता हूँ की अब तेरा क्या हूँ मैं।

जाने किस अदा से लिया तूने मेरा नाम,

दुनिया समझ रही है सब कुछ तेरा हूँ मैं।

(क़तील शिफाई)

इसके अलावा और क्या कहूं समझ नहीं आ रहा। ये सदमा भी अजीब शब्द होता है। तीन अक्षरों में सही हालत बयान कर देता है। इंसान कि कुछ भी महसूस करने कि शक्ति का ख़त्म हो जाना, हर चाहत ख़तम हो जाना, हर उम्मीद ख़त्म हो जाना, यही तो सदमा होता है। यही तो है जो पिछले कई दिनों से मुझे लगा है।

इस बात कि हैरानी भी कम नहीं है कि लोग किस तरह सब कुछ नकार देते हैं। हर एहसास, याद को झुठला देना बड़ा आसान होता है लोगो के लए। वक़्त हमें किस कदर बदल देता है। महज कुछ मिनटों में मेरे सारे ख्वाब ख़त्म हो गए। कहते हैं टूटे हुए सपनो कि किरचे चुभा करती हैं। मुझे तो वो एहसास भी नहीं होता, शायद दर्द ने हर एहसास ख़त्म कर दिया है।

रिश्ता इस तरह से बेमानी हो जायेगा ये नहीं सोचा था। पर अब जब हो ही गया है तो मुझे आगे का रास्ता ढूँढने में वक़्त लगेगा। कोशिश कर रही हूँ। शायद कामयाब भी हो जाऊं। अमीन।

अब मुझे कोई.......................

आखरी उम्मीद ख़त्म होने का एहसास क्या है, ये गुलज़ार साहब की इन पंक्तियों में बड़ी शिद्दत के साथ महसूस किया है। जब से ये गीत सुना है, रात में अक्सर इसे सुनकर रोई हूँ । इस से ज्यादा में कुछ नहीं कहूँगी।


अब मुझे कोई इंतज़ार कहाँ,
अब मुझे कोई इंतज़ार कहाँ,
वो जो बहते थे आबशार कहाँ
अब मुझे कोई इंतज़ार कहाँ।


आँख के एक गाँव में
रात को ख्वाब आते थे
छूने से बहते थे
बोले तो कहते थे
उड़ते ख्वाबों का ऐतबार कहाँ

उड़ते ख्वाबों का ऐतबार कहाँ
अब मुझे कोई इंतज़ार कहाँ।

जिन दिनों आप थे,
आँख में धूप थी

जिन दिनों आप रहते थे,
आँख में धूप रहती थी
अब तो जाले ही जाले हैं
ये भी जाने ही वाले हैं
वो जो था दर्द का करार कहाँ

वो जो था दर्द का करार कहाँ
अब मुझे कोई इंतज़ार कहाँ
वो जो बहते थे आबशार कहाँ

अब मुझे कोई इंतज़ार कहाँ
अब मुझे कोई इंतज़ार कहाँ।



फिल्म- इश्किया
गीतकार- गुलज़ार
संगीतकार- विशाल भारद्वाज
गायिका- रेखा भारद्वाज

MONA LISA SMILE.....

let me first make one point clear that i am not a very big hollywood movies freak. infact 2-3 months ago i could have counted on fingers, number of hollywood ficks i had seen. but i day while surfing channels i saw julia roberts standing in a class and teaching. now being a teacher has been my childhood dream. i decided to watch the movie for some time. and once i came across the plot i was glued to the tv.

the movie which i was watching was mona lisa smile. it is a 2003 american film. this is a story of katherine ann watson(played by julia roberts). she is a UCLA graduate and comes to wellesly college to teach art history. in this college she finds out that the girls are trained merely to be housewives and mothers. they as individuals had no goals, desires and aims. miss watson, as she is called in the film tries to encourage them to pursue a career. she tries to instill a spirit of change in her students. in doing so she faces a number of obstacles. some caused by a hard headed student betty who is also the daughter of the president of alumini association. some because of her past failed relationships and her modern approach as against the conservative environment of the college. she encourages one of her students joan to pursue a career in law which she was interested in. but joan couldn't pick up the courage to do so and gets married.

but as the session progresses katherine succeeds in changing the perception of her student towards her and also their approach towards life.

well i am not writting this post to discuss the plot of movie. what i want to express is the effcet that this movie has had on me. this movie has a lot many scenes which for me had a special message. like in a scene katherine introduces her students to he work of jason pollock. when the student mutters among themselves as whether they are required to write a paper on it and giggles, katherine replies-

" no. you are not required to write a paper on it. you are not even required to like it. but you are required to consider it."

this simple statements has a huge effect on students who watches the painting with facination and finally a smile emerges on each face. the smile very similar to the one when one gets overwhelmed by watching a sunrise. in this case this was a sunrise for perspectives.

one more statement made by katherine which stirred my soul was when she was asked about her failed relationships and she says-

"not every relationship is meant for marriage."

she was a woman who lived on her own terms, in betty's words as she described her now favourite teacher in her last editorial.

there are mixed reviews of the movie i got from internet. but for me it surely will be one of the best movies i have ever seen. katherine watson for me stands for pride, knowledge, courage and integrity. a person who gives up the job to keep her principles intact. a person whose sole motive is to show her students the right way, the way to live with dignity and cognizance. a moral code which has been mine even before the day i came to know what morals are and will be the same forever. amen.

faith.......

everytime i hear the words, " have faith", i smile. you know why? because thats all i have got. i have lost dreams. i have lost courage. i have lost happiness. all that is left with me is faith. faith in god that he will listen to me some day. sure he would listen. but the thing which is funniest is that i dont know what to say to him. what to ask him. i may be sounding confused! or may be out of my mind. but that is exactly how i am feeling right now. daily whenever i sit in front of the idol of god, i simply keep looking at him. i see him smiling. i dont know the reason behind his smile. i know that god loves me and will pull me out of this. but when? what does he think is the limit of my patience and my pain bearing capacity?

everytime life seems to be quite, it turns out to be the peace before the storms. i had thought that maybe after all that i have gone through was because i had to arrive at this. something which gave me peace and smiles. but that also is ruined. its like when you are finishing a race you suddenly realize that there is one more lap to go. one more struggle to survive. i know i will survive. but the part of my own soul which is dying bit by bit with each pasing day is never going to come back. i am never going to be what i used to be. its very hard to observe closely and see a small scrap of your own self turning into ashes everyday. these may seem to be mere words but this is exactly how i am feeling now a days. i dont want to let this happen but i cant help it.

i will try to keep fighting. i promise. i will win. and will try to mend my broken hopes and dreams.

समझौता.....

इसे समझौता न कहूँ तो और क्या कहूँ?
में नही समझ पा रही हूँ की क्या सही है और क्या ग़लत? बस सब कुछ वक्त पर छोड़ दिया है। ये अलग बात है की अब हर दिन तकलीफ के साथ शुरू होता है। तकलीफ इस बात की कि काश हम समझ पाते। समझ पाते कि क्या सही है और क्या ग़लत। कुछ तो फ़ैसला कर पाते। यूँ वक्त के हाथों मजबूर हो जाउंगी ऐसा नही सोचा था। जितनी बार ख़ुद को समझती हूँ वही सवाल नए रूप में मेरे सामने आ कर खड़ा हो जाता है। हमें अभी बहुत कुछ समझना बाकी है। पर हिम्मत कहाँ से लाऊं? वो सब्र कहाँ से लाऊं? मैं टूटना नही चाहती। मैं लड़ना चाहती हूँ हालत से भी और अपनी कमजोरी से भी। में लडूंगी भगवान्। बस मेरी मदद करो। मेरी मदद करो।
मेरे कुछ आदर्श हैं। कुछ मूल्य हैं जिन से मैं समझौता नही कर सकती। इस रास्ते पर बहुत सी मुश्किलें आएँगी ये भी में जानती हूँ। कभी कभी हिम्मत जवाब दे जाती है। पर फ़िर से हिम्मत जुटाना भी मुझे ही पड़ेगी। और ये भी सही है कि शायद हमेशा अकेले ही चलना पड़े। किसी से साथ कि उम्मीद क्यूं रखूं? उम्मीद टूटेगी तो फिर दर्द होगा ना। मैं कुछ और नही मांगती भगवन बस मुझे शक्ति हो। शक्ति दो कि मैं अपने फैसलों पर अटल रह सकूँ। सही और ग़लत में फर्क कर सकूँ। खुश रह सकूँ और सबको खुश रख सकूँ। उन सभी लोगों को जिन्हें मेरी परवाह है।
आज ये मैंने क्या लिखा है और क्यूं लिखा है ये तो मुझे नही पता। पर जो भी लिखा है मेरे अपने जज़्बात हैं। मैं मंजिल जानती हूँ। रास्ता ढूँढ रही हूँ। उम्मीद सिर्फ़ उस उपरवाले से है कि वो रास्ता दिखायेगा। इंसानों से उमीदें रखना मैं छोड़ चुकी हूँ।

AN ANSWER.............

i really dont know why i have named this post what i have. at present i myself don't have any idea about what my own state of mind is. funny........isn't it?

i just finished reading a book. a book i have grown so fond of that i don't want to share even its name with anyone right now. i book that has awaken a hope deep inside my heart that one day all of my questions are going to get answered. the decisions that i took inspite of my own cries of pain, of loneliness and of plain fear are all going to be proved right one day.

i love you god and i promise myself that i will survive till that day. the day when i will be able to feel the happiness which i deserve. AMEN.........

i will survive...........

i was thinking since so many days about posting something which could truley describe as what i have been feeling since so many days. today while watching the movie rock on i saw k.d. singing this song i a party. the words that struck me were, "i will survive". i searched for this song on net and found the song. i checked the lyrics and got bowled. it is something so encouraging and provoking. i instantly fell in love with this song. so these are the magical lyrics which pulled me out from a very raw mood........

first i was afraid, i was petrified
kept thinkin i could never live without you by my side
but then i spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
and i grew strong, and i learned how to get along

and so you're back, from outer sace
i just walked in to find you here, with that sad look upon your face
i should've changed that stupid lock, i should have magde you leave your key
if i'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me.

go on now go, walk out the door,
just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with good-bye,
you think i'd crumble, you think i'd lay down and die.

oh, no not i, i will survive,
oh as long as i know how to love, i know i'll stay alive
i've got all my life to live, i've got all my love to give
and i, i will survive, i will survive....hey, hey.

it took all the strenght i had, not to fall apart
just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,
and i spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself,
i used to cry, but now i hold my hewad up high.

and you see me, somebody new,
i'm not that chained up little person still in love with you.
and so you felt like dropping in, and just expect me to be free,
but now i'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me.

go on now go, walk out the door.
just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore.
weren't you the one who tried to break me with good-bye,
you think i'd crumble, you think i'd lay down and die,

oh no not i, i will survive
oh as long as i know how to love, i know i'll stay alive,
i've got all my life to live, i've got all my love to give,
i will survive, i will survive.......



i found so many versions of the song on net but i think the original song is written by dino fekaris and freddie perren and performed by gloria gaynor.

you can listen to the song here.
http://www.mp3raid.com/search/download-mp3/1/gloria_gaynor_i_will_survive.html

ANSWERED PRAYERS......................

i read this book written by danielle steel last week. after i completed reading it i knew that i have to write something about it. i cant let the emotions evoked by it to pass by like that. so here i m writting what i have learned by reading this book.

the story begins with the introduction of faith madison, slim, blonde and a sophisticated new yorker. she is married to alex madison for 25 years and is mother of two girls eloise and zoe. on tne sudden death of her step father faith gets a chance to meet her long lost neighbour of childhood brad, who also was the best friend of her brother, jack.

faith who was heartbroken after her brothers death and still was carrying on with her life discovers a firm emotional support in the friendship of brad patterson.determined to fulfill the long held desire of a career of her own, faith applies to law school against the wish of her husband. alex is a man who is so self centered and likes to control others life. faith's decision to reenter the law school ignites a barrage of anger and recrimination. brad who is a lawyer in california, helps his friend fred(he and jack used to call faith that) to get hold of her dreams. he himself finds out the courage to take a decision which he should have took before many years.

the thing that kept me bonded with this book for whole three days was the thought that our upbringing affets all of our decisions in our future. faith and brad both had suffered from the trauma of wathching their parents marriage fall apart. thus both chose life partners who somehow resembled their parents. again both of them were never able to gather the courage to give up a marriage which was least successful because of the fear of putting their own children in the same condition.

this book again laid down the thought that people often dread changes. a person is more willing to carry on with an empty relationship then try to break the chains and step into a new world full of new challenges. its also true that we always need a firm support from someone before taking big decisions. all the changes that faith was able to undergo in the book were because of love and support of brad and zoe. zoe, her younger daughter was a sole supporter of her mum before brad enters faiths life. the relationship between faith and zoe is more that of friends than mother and daughter. eloise who is more like her father blames her mother for all the ups and downs occuring in their lives and finally comes to realize her mistake. faith and brad in the end are able to overcome all the hurdles whether social or emotional and finally they get together.

one of my own beliefs got stronger by reading this book that the reason for breaking up a relation is not the formation of a new relation but some flaws in the original one.

this book helps you to have courage and believe that prayers are answered. brad was an answer to faith's prayers and so was she to his. prayers that are true. prayers that aren't selfish and prayers that contains an elemant of faith are always answered.

मुझसे पहले..........

मुझसे पहले तुझे जिस शख्स ने चाह उसने
शायद अब भी तेरा ग़म दिल से लगा रक्खा हो
एक बेनाम सी उम्मीद पे अब भी शायद
अपने ख्वाबों के ज़ज़ीरों को सजा रक्खा हो।

मैंने माना की वह बेगाना-ए-पैमाने वफ़ा
खो चुका है जो किसी और की रानाई में
शायद अब लौट के न आए तेरी महफिल में
और कोई दुःख न रुलाये तुझे तन्हाई में।

मैंने माना की शबो-रोज़ के हंगामों में
वक्त हर ग़म को भुला देता है रफ्ता रफ्ता
चाहे उम्मीद की शमए हों की यादों के चराग
मुस्तकिल बो'दा बुझा देता है रफ्ता रफ्ता

फ़िर भी माजी का ख्याल आता है गाहे गाहे
मुद्दतें दर्द की लौ कम तो नही कर सकतीं
ज़ख्म भर जायें मगर दाग तो रह जाता है
दूरियों से कभी यादें तो नही मर सकतीं

यह भी मुमकिन है की एक दिन वह पशेमा होकर
तेरे पास आए ज़माने से किनारा कर ले
तू की मासूम भी है जूद-फरामोश भी है
उसकी पैमा शिकनी को भी गवारा कर ले

और में, जिसने तुझे अपना मसीहा समझा
एक ज़ख्म और भी पहले की तरह सह जाऊँ
जिस पे पहले भी कई अहदे वफ़ा टूटे हैं
उसी दोराहे पे चुप-चाप खड़ा रह जाऊँ।

(ahmed faraz)